Narcissistic Abuse: The Slow Erasure of Self
- Henry Johnstone
- 1 hour ago
- 8 min read
What it is, how it changes a person, and what recovery can look like by trauma-informed hypnotherapist Henry Johnstone.
In the changing landscape of mental health campaigning, I want to take this opportunity to share insight into a topic many people have heard about but do not yet fully understand.
Narcissistic abuse is everywhere in conversation, yet the slow erasure of self that sits at the heart of it is still deeply misunderstood.
I have spent much of my working life sitting with people whose lives have been quietly dismantled by narcissistic abuse.
I know this terrain both as a practitioner and as someone who has survived it. My work now is about bringing language and compassion to an experience that is often invisible, minimised or dismissed, even in mental health spaces.
Narcissistic abuse is not a trend or a label for a bad ex. It is a pattern of relating that erodes a person’s sense of self, safety and agency over time.
It shapes the mind, the body and, for many, their spiritual connection to life. This is a map of that terrain: what narcissistic abuse is, how it operates, how it creates a slow erasure of self, and what recovery can look like.
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a sustained pattern of emotional and psychological manipulation rooted in a narcissistic person’s need for control, admiration and superiority.
At its core, narcissistic abuse is the slow erasure of self in service of someone else’s fragile identity. It is not one argument, not a bad week, not a single cruel comment. It is a system that reorganises another person’s reality so that:
Their feelings are dismissed, mocked or used against them
Their perception of events is doubted or rewritten
Their boundaries are ignored or punished
Their time, energy and attention become resources to be mined
The narcissistic person sits at the centre, consciously or unconsciously expecting everything to orbit around their needs. The target gradually loses access to something sacred: the sense that their inner world is valid and trustworthy.
Why not everyone is a narcissist
The word narcissist is everywhere. It is used for ex partners, bosses, influencers and anyone who seems self absorbed.
This matters, because if everyone is a narcissist, then no one is, and the reality of narcissistic abuse as the slow erasure of self gets blurred into a casual insult.
Most people have narcissistic traits at times. That does not make them a narcissist. A narcissistic pattern is different in three key ways:
Consistency – The manipulation, entitlement or lack of empathy show up across relationships and over time.
Impact – People around them feel fear, confusion, self doubt and shrinking agency.
Rigidity – When challenged, there is blame, rage or victimhood, not genuine reflection.
This is not about labelling everyone. It is about naming a specific pattern that has serious consequences for the person on the receiving end.
A new term for an old wound
Narcissistic abuse is a relatively new term for something that has been happening for a very long time.
In previous generations it might have been called:
Walking on eggshells around your partner
Living with a controlling parent
Working for a bully who drains everyone
What has changed is recognition. Survivors compare notes, clinicians speak more about trauma, and the internet gives language, however imperfect, to feelings that once sat nameless in the body.
When I use the phrase Narcissistic Abuse: The Slow Erasure of Self, I am describing the moment someone realises the cost of staying close to another person appears to be the surrender of their own reality.
What narcissistic abuse does to the mind
Living with narcissistic abuse is like being slowly hypnotised into distrusting yourself. The slow erasure of self begins in the mind.
Common effects include:
Chronic self doubt around decisions, memory and perception
Cognitive dissonance: “They say they love me” and “I feel afraid or small around them”
An overactive inner critic that sounds a lot like the narcissist
A fawn response, where survival means pleasing, appeasing and managing moods
Emotional numbing as feelings shut down to cope with ongoing stress
In hypnotherapy, I often see how deeply these patterns embed in the subconscious. The nervous system learns that love equals vigilance and attachment equals danger. In my own story, I was slowly turned against myself. I was manipulated into doubting my thoughts and feelings, rehearsing conversations, scanning constantly for shifts in mood.
Over time, it did not feel like a relationship. It felt like a psychological occupation. That is one face of narcissistic abuse as the slow erasure of self.
How the body carries narcissistic abuse
The body is not a bystander. It keeps score.
Common physical and somatic impacts include:
Tightness in chest, throat or jaw
Chronic tension in shoulders and back
Digestive issues, nausea or appetite changes
Sleep disturbance and night time hypervigilance
Exhaustion that no amount of rest can touch
This is what happens when the body lives in ongoing threat. Stress hormones stay elevated, muscles brace, breath shortens. The body stops feeling like a safe place to be. The subconscious stores these experiences as survival templates:
“Be small and you might be safe.”“Stay quiet and you might avoid an explosion.”“Over function and maybe you will finally be good enough.”
Without support, these patterns can continue long after the narcissist has gone. The slow erasure of self remains in the body as tension, illness and fatigue.
Stages of trauma embedding and pattern change
Although every story is unique, narcissistic abuse often follows recognisable stages:
Idealisation – Intense connection, being deeply seen and chosen. It feels intoxicating.
Devaluation – Subtle criticism and withdrawal begin. The survivor works harder to get back to the start.
Control and confusion – Gaslighting, blame and emotional volatility become regular. Self blame and fawning increase.
Collapse – Anxiety, depression, panic or burnout appear. The person feels broken, yet leaving seems terrifying.
Awakening – With support, they begin to name what happened, feel their feelings and experiment with boundaries.
At each stage, another layer of the self is shaved away.
How behaviour changes
Narcissistic abuse reshapes behaviour over time. The slow erasure of self becomes visible in everyday choices.
Common changes include:
Withdrawing from friends and family
Second guessing almost every decision
Over apologising for existing, feeling or needing
Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
Defending or explaining the abuser to others
From the outside, loved ones see someone become smaller, less vibrant, less themselves.
In my case, I became alienated from friends and slowly separated from the people who had known me longest.
I was pushed, directly and indirectly, to choose between my partner and my parents, between my relationship and the friendships that anchored me.
The so called safe option was always to side with her. This was not weakness. It was survival inside the slow erasure of self.
The five types of narcissist
Not all narcissists look the same. Here are five common presentations:
Grandiose narcissist – Charismatic, confident, loves admiration, dismisses criticism, can be explosively angry when challenged.
Covert or vulnerable narcissist – Appears sensitive and misunderstood, uses self pity and guilt, experiences feedback as attack.
Communal narcissist – Seen as caring or spiritual, admired for goodness, but controlling and invalidating behind closed doors.
Somatic narcissist – Centres worth in looks, body or sexuality, needs constant validation, objectifies others.
Malignant narcissist – Adds aggression and at times cruelty, may threaten, stalk or control finances, and shows little remorse.
These are lenses, not fixed boxes. What matters is what it feels like to be close to them, and how much of a person’s self is slowly erased in that proximity.
The murky world of narcissistic abuse
Narcissistic abuse often leaves no visible marks. The harm is carried out in moments that look ordinary from the outside.
Common tactics:
Gaslighting
Triangulation, bringing in others as comparison or threat
Love bombing followed by withdrawal
Projection, accusing the other of what they are doing
Smear campaigns behind the scenes
I was coerced into never challenging her and never questioning her choices. Every pushback was punished. Over time, it felt as though my identity had been shattered and rebuilt in her image.
The one person I turned to for love and safety was the same person stripping away my sense of self. My recovery is another story, but it begins with that realisation.
How agency and identity are changed
Through coercion, isolation and alienation, narcissistic abuse targets agency and identity at their roots:
External reality checks are cut away
The person’s right to have needs is undermined
Their story is rewritten so everything is their fault
Many survivors describe feeling hollow, like a shell. Life revolves around one question: “How do I keep them calm”Some also experience spiritual harm. Values, beliefs or spiritual language are used as weapons:
“If you were truly spiritual, you would forgive.”
“Your anger means you are not evolved.” The result is deep disorientation in the soul:“Who am I if I am not this person’s mirror”
Why my work is focused here
My focus on narcissistic abuse is not academic. It is personal. As a survivor, I know what it is to be alienated from friends and family, to be forced into impossible choices, to live with the message that your thinking is flawed and your feelings are too much.
As a hypnotherapist, I see daily how these wounds live on: in the nervous system, in the tone of inner dialogue, in the way someone apologises before they speak. My work is about helping people disentangle from those internalised patterns, reclaim their agency and reinhabit their own lives. In simple terms, it is about reversing, step by step, the slow erasure of self.
How to know if a partner or parent is a narcissist
No article can diagnose a narcissist. What can be trusted is experience.
Questions that can help:
Do honest conversations end with feeling confused, at fault or wrong for having feelings
Is there a sense of dread when they call, text or come home
Do loved ones say “You have changed” or “You are not yourself”
Is there a pattern of apologies without real change
Has contact with friends and family quietly reduced over time
The key question is not only “Are they a narcissist” but “What is this relationship doing to my sense of self”
What to do and what not to do
What to do
Name the pattern internally, even if no one else sees it yet
Document key incidents and messages to counter gaslighting
Seek trauma informed support
Prioritise emotional, physical and financial safety
Use body based practices to help the nervous system remember safety
What not to do
Do not call them a narcissist to their face
Do not try to win arguments or prove your case
Do not share every detail of plans to leave or set boundaries
Do not measure truth by their reaction
Boundaries, communication and support
When no contact is not possible, communication and boundaries become crucial.
Keep communication simple and neutral
Avoid over explaining, justifying or defending
Use practical boundaries such as limited contact channels or written communication
With parents, shorten visits, decline certain topics and protect personal information
Boundaries are not punishments. They are acts of self respect. Recovery also needs connection with people who understand narcissistic abuse. No one heals this in isolation.
Healing from the slow erasure of self
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is rarely neat. There are waves of recognition, grief, anger, longing and rebuilding.
Healing involves:
Reclaiming the story and placing responsibility where it belongs
Updating subconscious survival patterns so that safety no longer equals shrinking
Supporting the body to relax, rest and release chronic tension
Rebuilding connection with trustworthy people, creativity, nature and, if it resonates, spirituality
Relearning trust in one’s own perception, feelings and boundaries
Ultimately, healing is about moving from a life organised around avoiding another person’s reactions to a life organised around honouring one’s own reality.
It is about reversing Narcissistic Abuse: The Slow Erasure of Self and returning, steadily, to who you really are. The impact of narcissistic abuse is profound, but it is not the final word.
With time, care and the right support, people do recover. They remember themselves. They grow back into their own shape.
And for many, that recovery becomes a quiet act of rebellion: living a life where love does not require self erasure.
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About Henry Johnstone & the Speakers Collective
Henry Johnstone is a trauma-informed hypnotherapist whose clinical work centres on narcissistic abuse recovery, CPTSD, shadow work, and helping clients navigate the complex world of their subconscious mind and trauma with clarity and ease.
If you are interested in Henry Johnstone speaking at an event or hearing more about his work please contact info@speakerscollective.org.
Speakers Collective is a Social Enterprise. We work together with a shared commitment to challenge stigma, facilitate important conversations and promote learning on a variety of social issues.
Please do contact us via info@speakerscollective.org or via our contact form here.